It's perfect.
It's unbelievable.
It's a miracle
It's a TV dinner.
It's Fuwjax.

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Ah, I almost slipped it past all of you once more, but this time I’m afraid my conscience got the better of me. Ever wonder why, whenever people ask me about dating, I spend a lot of time talking about first dates, or I focus on what you should do to build up the suspense of the first few dates? My friends, this is not the science of dating, this is the art of seduction.

Now, to be fair, it’s my opinion that dating is simply an arranged time for two people to overtly attempt to seduce each other by whatever means necessary and to whatever ends they each deem appropriate. Frankly, it’s dumb at best, and mentally, emotionally and physically traumatizing at worst.

And yes, I am giving you the Dummies Guide to Seduction, and I don’t regret that at all. This is, in my opinion what everyone is asking me. People want the joy of a relationship without the effort and without the threat of rejection. You want a relationship without effort or rejection? Learn to be seductive.

The down side of course to being seductive is that you will breed relationships based on obsession and manipulation with more than a healthy dose of destructive distrust. Beleive me when I tell you, following these rules has not in any way helped me find a wife, in fact, it’s only on occasion that they get me through the first date. Even if I do make it through the first evening, I often wound up with women who were psycho. I used to joke that I only date psycho women, the truth of the matter is that seducing them made them psycho.

Sure, I’d love to claim that I was only seducing them to make them feel good about themselves. I don’t know anything about the truth of that claim. But I can tell you it made fragile tense relationships that were more like power struggles than anything even remotely resembling love.

I tell you these rules for dating because it makes me laugh. All the things you can do to make people feel certain ways or think certain things, these are entertaining diversions. But if you want to know the real science of dating, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I don’t have the faintest clue.

Fuwjax said on 2006-10-05

Seriously, I am so glad you didn’t say 8 years. I used to secretly steal your mayo.

The secret was originally “No relationship that started with a quiet candle-lit dinner in the Antarctic has ever failed.” But I was afraid people might take me seriously before I had a chance to set up a dating service that catered specifically to Antarctia first dates.

Derek said on 2006-10-05

Secret? That’s not a secret!

I’ll let YOU in on a secret: I’ve been storing up bat guano in mayonaise jars in my attic for two years, and I have no idea why!

Now THAT’S a secret.

Posted with : Carbon 14