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By request, a little late night blogrification on the perils of being a nice guy.

Would you believe the world is about receive the answer to that age old enigma, “Why do women always fall for the jerks?” It’s true, I’m about to unveil this Golden Fleece to you, my faithful reader, though what you might do with the revelation is once again a mystery for the ages.

Let’s take the traditional example. You, the unloved, unappreciated, idyllic “nice guy” have just observed a couple having some sort of less than favorable exchange. The woman of the couple is, from the exchange, clearly unloved and unappreciated, and you, being quick to realize her feathers are quite similar to your own, flock toward her corner. The man of the couple, guilty of unloving and unappreciating his partner, at least from your point of view, seems to not even realize his failings. In fact, every time you observe this couple, he stands out as a jerk all the more, and she rises in the pantheon of your imagination to the level of supreme goddess.

In time, you find yourself quite angry with the aforementioned jerk, for if you were in his place, you know you would treat her better than that. You would treasure her, put her high on a pedestal, buy her things for no good reason, adore and worship her as the goddess she is, and generally just shower her with wonder and awe. What woman doesn’t want to be worshiped and adored, revered as a goddess?

The quick answer… not a single one.

Now sure, everyone likes to get a little respect every now and then. And it’s fun to get some recognition for being cooler than the average bear. But any woman who wants to be worshiped and adored has either never been worshiped and adored, or finds it terribly easy to manipulate any man willing to do so. In either case, she will almost certainly not like being revered when it happens.

You don’t get a cookie for treating a woman well. You treat your dog well. You treat your car well. If you’re spending all your time trying to treat a woman well, you should probably get a dog or a car. It’ll be a wiser decision in the long run.

Now, before you go getting your panties all wadded up, please understand, I am not advocating being a jerk or treating women like crap. In fact, I’m basically saying if you’re spending all your time “treating” women, you’re looking at the whole thing all wrong.

No one wants to be treated well. Everyone wants to be used.

I can tell from here, your panties are wadded up tighter than a 4th graders spitball. Relax, take a deep breath, and pretend for a moment I’m smarter than you. It won’t hurt, and you’ll probably learn something.

I’m not talking about used in the sense of the actions that leave you feeling betrayed and wounded. I’m not talking about being misused or abused. I’m talking about someone utilizing you in a way you find yourself useful.

A friend of mine tried to argue that I mean to say “Everyone wants to feel useful.” I still disagree. Everyone does feel useful. If no one is using me in a way I feel useful, I also feel useless. To stop feeling useless, someone needs to use me.

This is true in every aspect of our lives. If I’m not used at work in a way I feel most useful, I feel useless. If my particular talents are unnecessary to an organization I”m a part of, I don’t really feel a part of it. For that matter, even if they are necessary, but remain untapped, I still feel like I’m just a freeloader. We want to be used.

And we want to be used in a relationship too. We want to be trusted with people’s lives, with their feelings, their hurts, their dreams, their wants, their needs. We don’t want to be respected, admired, worshiped, or revered any more than we want to be neglected, ridiculed, or ignored. At the very least, if we’re feeling useless, it doesn’t much matter if we’re admired or revered, we’ll still feel neglected.

So, next time you think you’re going to make some woman happy by putting her on top of a pedestal and treating her “well”, think again. Don’t treat her well, involve her in your life. Don’t shower her with gifts and affection, join her in her life. I’m not talking about stalking her, I’m talking about making her feel useful. And I’m not talking about making her do the things you don’t want to do; use her in the way she wants to feel useful.

How do you know how she wants to feel useful? She probably tells you all the time. Those guys you think are jerks… they’ve probably just figured out how to listen. A woman will put up with a lot from a guy if she feels like she’s an invaluable part of his life.

Don’t try to make her happy, make her an inseparable part of you. In fact, all those people you claim are important to you, try using them sometimes. They’ll thank you for it.

Anonymous said on 2004-08-24

There goes my laundry service…

Posted with : Carbon 14