Cleaning… if it really is next to Godliness, then I’m really glad I’m not God. I can’t stand cleaning, especially when I decide to really clean, to go through everything and throw out the stuff I don’t need any more.
I picked up a few foot lockers from WallyWorld, and I’m going through all the stuff I have scattered about the room. I’m in a practical mood right now, and what few knick knacks I’ve got laying around will likely find these footlockers their new home shortly.
Now that I think about it, it’s kind of a tradition in my world to empty my room when I’m feeling empty myself. I need to get all the junk out so I can refocus on what I do, why I do it, and who I do it for.
Diaries are silly things. In my opinion that’s all this blog thing really is, a diary that you have no way of locking down and keeping private. In cleaning, I found my old diary from when I was starting high school. It was delightfully absurd. The people I wrote good things about I haven’t talked to for a dozen years, the ones I talked trash about are the people I still count as my friends. A sad little story of a sad little boy who chased the people who shunned him and shunned the people who loved him. Reading through it, I was reminded of how silly I was then, and of how little I’ve changed in these years I was supposed to be maturing.
But the last entry hit me a little too close to home, and I thought I’d share it with anyone who felt like reading it.
I find myself feeling very worthless. I am not a failure as that would imply not achieving some objective. I simply feel like all objectives are out of reach. Feeling worthless is knowing I would have failed if I had bothered to try.
This is all I ask: Give me the strength to shine for you, to live my life as your son and your servant, even though I may fail in all I do. Let my success be measured not by acts but by faith and my worth not by ability but by grace. For without you I can do nothing right, but I can do all things in Jesus Christ, my Lord.
I know you work all things for the good of those who love you, but sometimes it is hard to see where anything can end up good. Lead me in your truth by your light for your glory. I love you.
So the diary will go back into the footlocker perhaps to find its way out in a few years when I need a good reminder that no diary, even the unwritten one of my mind and heart, is private from the eyes of God. And even though the sad story of the sad little boy will go on, the ending is already written, and like any good story, it ends with a happily ever after.
Posted with : The Way