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Warning: The following blog contains strong language. If possible, read it in braille to keep your eyes from bleeding.

Names are odd things. I don’t mean the letters on your drivers license. I mean your name.

I know how my friends say my name. And they all say it differently. It’s almost like having a different name for every one of my friends. And anyone who says my name in a way I don’t recognize clearly isn’t one of my friends.

I’m pretty partial to nicknames. Sometimes a nickname will stick with a group of people, but even then, they all say it differently. In fact, I think we ought to just give nicknames to everyone, because in a sense, we wouldn’t be naming our friends, but our friendships. I think this is a great idea.

Actually, I’m already doing something similar with email. I can make new aliases whenever I want, so my friends can have their own email address for me. But honestly I don’t do that too frequently. I’m actually working on a scheme for generating the email aliases, but that’s an entirely different subject.

Today we’re going to talk about my Ass. One weekend some friends were playing dominoes on the deck, and even though I was sick, I went outside for a while to hang out. I kept trying to throw in some smack talk, but I’d just start coughing before I could finish. One of the girls, who coincidentally enough ranks a Persephone on the Greek Goddess scale, said “I’m a smart ass too, so you just start whatever you want to say, and I’ll finish it.” I just looked her with my mouth open in mock shock “You mean, I’m the smart, and you’ll be my ass?”

Talk about a nickname destined to stick. You generally can’t call one of the most beautiful women around an “ass” and get away with it, but if you do, you can bet it’s setting a precedent almost as time honored as Hades’ theft.

Her nickname has spawned tons of jokes like telling the guys to stop staring at my ass, and a dozen or so phone messages which she has saved, half because they make her laugh, and half to guarantee I’ll never hold public office.

But she’s leaving soon. I don’t know if you’ve ever lost your ass, and I’m not talking about a trip to Vegas here… but it hurts. So I felt obliged to include on this here blogrification the following poem:

Ode to My Ass

Without you, I’m just smart
Without you, I’m just dumb
Without you, there’s nowhere to sit
and nowhere to stick my thumb
Since you said you were leaving
the life has drained from my soul
and there’s nothing left in my heart
except this big ass hole.

So lift your beer and toast my ass. May it never drag for long.

Posted with : Story Time, Offering